(Warning: Semi graphic, possibly hilarious, slightly embarrassing, definitely sad content)

Are you there vagina? It’s me…It wasn’t that long ago that I vowed I would never put you under this stress again. I was so grateful that you had been able to get back to normal even though it took an entire year for that to happen. But now look what I’ve done, I’ve again subjected you to the horrors we both experienced for the first time just over a year and a half ago. I know you hate me, can you ever forgive me?

Oh that first time. I couldn’t of prepared you for what was to come because I had no idea. Of all the things they tell you when you’re pregnant they never tell you about what can happen down there. The pressure in the beginning that was easy. That intense heavy feeling that made it feel as if you were going to fall out, or better yet that I had just received a swift kick with a steel toe boot. Yea that was easy.

Then came the wetness. That icky feeling of extra discharge meant to protect baby. Cold and damp panties that had me running to the bathroom every second swearing and fearing that I just had to be bleeding. I purchased boxes and boxes of panty liners just to protect you from yourself. All of my good hygiene lessons being used, front to back wipe, loose and breathable undies, I did it all just to keep you safe.

But then came the itch…

We never went through this. We had been fortunate not to have ever needed to walk into the Monistat aisle. It just wasn’t our thing. But that curdled white stuff attacked us and I decided to try what Dr Google suggested. I couldn’t tell my doctor what would she think? It didn’t matter that pregnant women were more likely to develop this and she’d surely seen it 100s of times. So I bought a kit and what a bad idea that was. Mild tingling could occur, it warned. Ha! I swore I burned a hole into my cervix. I felt like I lit a match and shoved it inside myself. I hopped up and down and rolled around trying to endure. But I couldn’t do it. I jumped in the tub and washed it right out.

And let’s not forget about the wax. I should of known better when it was so hard to find a place that would wax a pregnant person. Sensitivity they stated due to more blood being routed to you. But still I insisted. I would not be a wolf in delivery. So I found one of those no heat wax places. Natural and painless is what was advertised. The woman that assisted me looked terrified. She was scared to touch me it seemed. So the thing with this wax is it dries right away and needs to be peeled away quickly applying a little pressure. This process however was slow and very very painful. She wasn’t quick enough to peel the wax and what ensued was a tortuous and embarrassing ordeal that ended with another person coming in to finish up my wax and a lot of apologies from the staff.

After that had passed we thought we were in the clear. The pressure returned but again that was easy. And then it was time for labor and delivery. The liquid devil Pitocin surged through my body and caused unnatural contractions that sent the baby closer and closer. I tried to crawl out of my own body at one point and then my doctor said I was crowning. I pushed and pushed and then she picked up those surgical scissors. It wasn’t in my birth plan. It wasn’t part of what was supposed to happen but I just wanted the baby out! Safely, healthy but out. Still numb from the epidural I couldn’t feel it but I heard it. “Schhhhhhupppp,” it sounded like a brand new pair of scissors cutting into construction paper. I cringed for a second in horror of what had just happened. An episiotomy. Ugh.

Recovery was something else. What was a peri bottle anyway? Witch hazel wipes and Dermoplast, stitches that dissolved on their own. I couldn’t even sit down normally the first few days. It felt like you’d been ran over by a truck…twice. Peri bottle, witch hazel, Dermoplast every single time I would use the bathroom. It was horrible. And that’s when I made the promise. That I would never put you through this again.

But…I’m pregnant again. Just over 7 months in and all the familiar symptoms are back. The pressure, the wetness. This time though no curd like discharge but instead an allergic reaction to the extra discharge has taken its place that causes an incessant itch that has driven me absolutely mad. Google searches keep revealing strange terms like “female jock itch during pregnancy.” Wth? Oh and better yet another new thing is the swelling, “cheeseburger crotch” go ahead and look it up. I can’t even bring myself to go into the details of that phrase. It’s all a disaster. And I haven’t even thought about if I’m going to do another wax, and I’m not mentally ready to face the fact I may need another episiotomy.

I just hope you don’t somehow implode and leave me with some sort of strange Barbie vagina and the memories of days past. I swear this is the last time! I promise. I know you can’t take it any more and I can’t either….

Are you there vagina? Hello? It’s me….I’m sorry.

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