Don’t judge me…here goes.

I’m pregnant….again.

I’m not completely sure how this happened. Well I mean I know how it happened but I guess I just didn’t expect it to happen so soon.

I had a really long cycle in June. Like really long! Freakishly, how are you still alive long. 18 days long to be exact, then none in July, then something in August then slight spotting in September. But I knew. I mean I’d done this before just over a year ago. I recognized the intense sense of smell, and the weird pains in my side, I remembered the throwing up of that yellowish liquid until there was nothing left in my stomach…I knew. I think I just assumed if I ignored it long enough it would all just become a figment of my imagination. I would be like those women on TV that thought they were pregnant and miraculously displayed all the symptoms without actually being pregnant. It’s sad I found solace in believing I was closer to having a disorder than actually pregnant. I just was in some sort of denial.

I finally decided to call my doctor only to find that she no longer dealt with pregnant patients, in fact she had stopped just a few months after delivering my son. She referred me to someone but he didn’t accept my insurance and that sent me on a wild goose chase to find a doctor that apparently doesn’t exist. Since I had to pick a new doctor I figured I’d pick someone affiliated with a different hospital. My first birthing experience was ok, but recovery wasn’t what I expected, I don’t feel like I got the best support as a first time mom, especially with breast feeding. So I wanted a female, African American doctor that worked out of Brooklyn, NY but delivered at Long Island Jewish Hospital in Queens,NY. It didn’t seem so far fetched. My prior OB was an African American female that practiced in Brooklyn, I just needed someone that delivered out in Queens! Way easier than it sounded. I googled and Zocdoc’d and asked around to no avail. I still don’t think this person exists. I decided maybe just because I loved my previous doctor and she happened to be a female and African American didn’t mean I HAD to find the same person and broadened by search a bit. After awhile I realized my logic behind that made no sense and I was just looking for familiarity. But reviews online scared me away from so many doctors with tales of 4 hour wait times and no bedside manners.

I ended up calling LIJ directly and had a wonderful woman run down a list of all of the doctors with practices closest to Brooklyn. I cross referenced with Zoc Doc and some reviews and ended up with a doctor that had mixed reviews but the nice woman on the phone sounded very excited about. I found out I was already 14 weeks and 6 days at my first appointment. Now, I had already stopped my birth control pills, and long stopped any real drinking and started drinking more water and eating better since I had suspected but I had no idea I had denied myself right past the first trimester. I felt so guilty! I’d missed the first trimester screening and I wasn’t on prenatal pills. What a selfish ass I had been all these weeks thinking my period would just somehow show up when in the back of my mind I knew damn well it wouldn’t.

Happily though, the baby is healthy and we are fortunate enough to be adding a little girl to the squad! My twitter handle is @beingpregsucks from my first experiences pregnant, but I have to say this time around the discomforts are familiar and it doesn’t seem to “suck” as much. Hopefully I don’t jinx myself.

I’m sure I’m not the first or only person to have a little pregnancy denial…twice lol! But that’s my story I did it again! Here I am someone who swore they would never have children about to be a mother of two children just shy of two years apart. A toddler and an infant, what in the world have I gotten myself into?!

Wish me luck!

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