The first trimester sucks. When you become pregnant for the first time you don’t know what to expect, and with the majority of books and movies portraying pregnancy as this 30 second glowing skin, peaceful, two push, time of your life, when the shit actually hits the fan, you’re left confused and annoyed.

I guess the best way to explain those early days of pregnancy would be to say I felt like a stranger in my own body. Everything felt weird, my body reacted to things in ways it never did before and I felt like I was the one renting space up the block from my cervix. For those of you that have been through this you know exactly what I mean except you probably never said it aloud for fear of being labeled ungrateful or you just convinced yourself that you were. I mean this was supposed to be easy, it was supposed to be a few months without a drink and BAM baby train, so of course you were just being a brat. Well, no, no you weren’t the first trimester and a good deal of pregnancy sucks. There I said it so you don’t have to.

I was sick for what felt like the whole trimester and then some. I didn’t have morning sickness though, at least not in the traditional sense, I was sick every night. It didn’t matter what I ate, what I drank, there wasn’t enough crackers or ginger ale in the world that could help. Throwing up every night along with the extreme exhaustion you get left me absolutely miserable. And it didn’t just end there, I contemplated taping my nostrils down at one point so I wouldn’t have to smell anything, because I smelled EVERYTHING and it all stunk. The world as I knew it stunk. Think I’m being dramatic? Then you haven’t been pregnant or you’re one of those rare freaks that actually do go through pregnancy without so much as a headache, if you are you should subscribe to the site so that I can send you hate emails.

Then there are the crazy damn hormones, now that’s the real kicker. You can be laughing one minute and crying hysterically in the same breath. Everything stinks, you’re always nauseous, your emotions are always up and down and you have someone in your face every two-seconds asking the same stupid ass question, “Are you happy?” Urrrrgh I can’t tell you how much I loathed that damn question. Finally I would answer, “No! I have been invaded by a foreign body that is squeezing my life force out and plans to escape through my fucking vagina.”

I would call my baby everything from “the body snatcher,” to “my little alien” and one of my faves a good friend said she called her daughter, “lil’ parasite.” It was true after all. You’re told that there is a life growing inside but early on you don’t see it, you don’t feel it, it’s just supposed to be there and meanwhile you feel like you’ve been sucked into Alice’s Looking Glass and you’re in an entirely different world. You’re boobs turn into an inflatable device you can use when the baby is a toddler, your skin takes on the role of a lizard, you’re favorite foods make you sick you crave your least favorite foods, you go back to your days of high school and college when you slept with your eyes open except now you do it for your boss and you cry when your boyfriend says he will be home 5 minutes late, you really and truly feel like you have no control of your body or feelings.

I wonder how my son would feel about me calling him all those names before he was even born, though I’m sure I will have moved onto much better names by that time like “Little Shit”. Well, hey you little shit mommy loves you!

2 comments on “Lil’ Parasite , Body Snatcher and Other Terms of Endearment”

  1. Yes the first trimester is horrible, as is the second and third! All I did for the first 3 mos. was wish I was sleeping and eat. I gained a solid 10 lbs of fat before baby weighed 1 oz. Perfect. Thanks for sharing!

    • Lol! Yes each trimester comes with its own share of annoyances! Thanks for reading and thank you for commenting!

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